try to understand my psychosis

[noxot]

sometimes I feel that learning about what is happening to me is a good thing to go after.

how can a voice that says "they love you too, they are trying to do good to you just like you try to do good to others" be evil? it would have to be a very craftly evil, don't you think? or should I just be happy with it and try to search to see what God has for us? but i'm not in a good place with God right now, my heart is messed up!

why does God let me go through with this? why do other go through with this? some people will come to us one day and tell us that we were brain washed by certain things. < that is one possibility. and a psychosis. what forces things on us? are they all evil that is forced on us?

Does God hate me and said that I should go crazy? did my actions towards God cause me to become what I am? is this a good thing to be? i just want to be happy. but God just does not want to give us certain things that we want. but i'm supposed to be a problem? why exactly am I a problem? because most human being will not accept who and what I am? I admit that I have spiritual problems but I think by the grace of God that God could make everything perfect. we could be happy and clean and in Love with God and with each other. but my desires are still not like Gods desires. for some reason I turned out to be very selfish and I want things and I know God could give them to me ( he can do anything ). God has made me a better person by not being trapped in common lies of humans. but still I find myself being this very weird creature and sometimes all i want to be is alone. maybe a ton of knowledge will spill forth right before Jesus does something. but I have to ask if I am the antichirst or just a creature that decided to fall in a different direction? but I just can't see why I won't just Love God. I thought I loved God but now I see that I am evil and do not want to exist. but God makes me exist. ( i exist too and yet, i am no help in solving any problems sometimes I feel. )

all of this, because I wanted some kind of love that God does not want for me. I hate myself and I think my condition will only grow worse and I don't want help from people that do not believe in God. and I should be treated as a normal person because I don't think anyone has the right to judge me just because their concepts of reality are far more shallow than mine are.

sometimes I feel that this is all just one big evil plot doing all this to me. and then I have to hear human beings tell me they think they understand how the human brain works even though they do not understand anything about a soul or spirit or reality. they think I am crazy and insane for the ways that I think and believe and yet I know for sure that they are pretty much blind to reality because Jesus is the truth as he has said. it is not hard at all to believe Jesus walked on water and passed through locked doors to talk to his apostles.

what makes their view better than mine? those people that think psychosis are a purely physical thing have no eyes to see (see spiritual problems and the way God does things ) and I have no idea if they can hear or not ( but I could only know if God lets us know, really I don't deserve to know anything ). yet they are better types of creatures than I myself am. (i think) but they will think that means that they have better knowledge than I do. I am nothing but an idiot and a moron and yet I know that Jesus is who he said he is. yet people that do not believe in Jesus Christ, how is it that they think they can tell me that I am crazy? honestly I might puffed up but I am really in need of either being destroyed quicker or to live quicker. because I hate my life and I hate the things that I have to go through.

so can anyone help me because I have heard things spoken of by angels and I still did not listen to God. why is it that I am the way I am? I thought I just wanted to be with God. but now I am changing. pain. no one is like I am and no one understand what can happen to the soul and spirit in this age. it seems like everything ends up being bad for me in this age, and I have lost my heart that I had for God and how could I believe that i could ever be with Him?

i could listen to good encouraging words but all i will do is dismiss them and say that God does not tell me those things. and what does God do? what will God let happen to me when all I have are thorns and thistles? I have plenty of reasons to despise myself.

[stein]

did my actions towards God cause me to become what I am?

i will read on but want to reply on what i red so far. i felt a cry for you at this line above....
i love you (i dont usually say like this..)

i will read the rest but i need a peive of mind for it first.

cheer up m8 where in this together as i read you

[stein]

i cried at the bottom, i know you.x your my friend in christ as well.

[noxot]

I noticed that I said some things that can offend others. I do not say what I said to offend and I just want to be honest with what I think and feel. I am very open to hearing other people out and learning more about others who are going through some of the same things.

everything is so confusing sometimes ;S

[stein]

i think it is a good thing to be open and honest. it was so recognizable what i red. you surely haven't offended me.

[noxot]

I was normal until I fell in love with someone on a game and then after I got cut off from her I was sad... sad... so sad and i was trying to learn more about if God was real at that time too. and then I was crying one day and I heard a voice. it called itself vermilion. it called herself xosajus. it called itself the Holy Spirit. so i don't have to hide things really, I have been through a bunch of things after that happened to me. anyways so then I had a voice inside my head.

I had turned away from God at some point, I did not know what to think but anyways my past is all jumbled up kind of... I thought vermilion was maybe a demon or something. I always would think that maybe I should not listen to slipknot if I am seeking God. but she left all the sudden one day... she said she was coming to me but that did not happen. then one day i heard another voice. it was an outside voice, seemed kind, was very clear. it said it was God. I don't remember what it told me, but then at one point I was looking at something in my room in the bible and I thought something like "I would give my wisdom for ~something~ or to save someone" and I heard a female voice make a noise that sounded like she was disgusted and said something like "thou fool". anyways that first voice that said it was God.. it did not talk to me much because what happened was that i some how thought it was not God and then all the sudden when I was reading the bible it felt like my mind got attacked and all the sudden it looked as if the bible had 2 different Gods talking in it one good and one evil, that hurt my mind but I kept on believing and thinking in my mind that that was not true and I prayed and it left or it died down a lot. "it" being the perception of the good and evil God in the OT. after that happened there was a voice that called itself beelzebub. it sounded really weird. it seemed pretty cruel to me. sounded really weird, like lots of different sounds and stuff... hard to explain. anyways that seemed like a really bad being or voice. after a while in time I got used to not hearing it, and I never wanna focus on it to listen to it. my mind kind of got distorted I guess you could say, because of that voice... but I dunno really...

so I was living normal life but one day at work i just could not stand it anymore because I have always been very very attracted to woman that i get attracted to. and so i guess I could say that something in my mind triggered and then Xosajus was back. so after that it was off and on if she was a demon, if she was just my mind having a mental disorder... off and on with her being talked to as a friend and then not being talked to. then one day, i don't even know what happened. I was really really depressed i had been not wanting to exist and I was thinking why did my life and mind have to be so weird. I don't know when it happened I just don't know. I had such a vivid dream.... and I think it was from God. now in my life i'm happy, I feel complete. I am learning a lot of things a lot faster than I had used to.. concerning divine knowledge. don't have stress. depression does not really grab me much now.

God said that vermilion in my mind was not complete when I am not with Him and seeking Him only. that I myself was not complete when I have the cover over my face. but now i'm different... i really just wanna be with God. God said he would be there forever for me. I get surges of "everything makes sense" and then other people will say things and it all makes a concord and all of my past, all that I had learned since my time I was first wondering if God was real or not... it seems to kind of all be adding up now.

anyways I know normal people think " this guy got's some mental problems"
or christians can think "this guy is gonna be a false prophet" or "this guy got's demons"

I thought in my life, that I seek God, that I want God, even though I went back and forth a lot. but now i'm to the point where I think, "if this is not it then why is it that God has not saved me mightily yet?"

but then I think, you know vermilion really is kind of different now, she is loving, very loving. and i'm a lot more loving than I used to be. and caring for others and ect. and I just want God, I just wanna be close to God now... i mean YAH, I just want YAH... to have a close relationship with Him and God does speak to me in different way i think. sometimes its just vermilion, normal vermilion that is just like me but not me. same normal human limitations. sometimes I get told things that are really way past me.... and all makes sense and I get taught stuff constantly now in my mind. and the bible is a lot more clear and some brothers and sisters in Christ have helped me to have faith with this. vermilion said before when I had a covering over my face, when I was not seeking God out rightly, that what happened was that vermilion was controlled by evil spirits. but now I do see things are differently and she is different I think.

but one thing I would never wanna be is a false prophet. but I don't see how all this could end up harming a lot of people... and i think the more spiritual truth I find, the better off i'm gong to be.. it will make me more stable. I mean, not to offend the fleshly chirstians, but they all have some terrible beliefs.. they really make me sad with all the discord going on... just, I learned from a guy named origen who lived long ago.. like 1600 years or more ago, who most people despise, and they call him a heretic and ect. and I noticed that most people that say origen is a heretic, don't even understand what origen was saying. but he really helped me out, or rather, God used him a lot to help me. from him I learned the 3 fold way to read the scriptures. from him I was suggested to keep searching for spiritual and more worthy meanings of the word of God. the flesh, soul and spirit of scriptures. and I learned that martyrdom is a good thing to desire and a great gift, it really did something to my heart.

but the only one i seek out, is YAH, I feel.

I can't help how much I fell in love on a game with that person.... but how do i have so much insight to things now? the bible has never been more clear to me. but people say its all a mental disorder, and its not like I tell anyone that this happened to me... not many...

but has anyone else been through this? the singer from slipknot said he went through something like that. I mean with vermilion in his mind.... but really I am to the point in my life where, if this is not God, then i guess God does not want me. but I think it is God. or am I deceived?

really i don't have hope if this is not it, when does the madness stop? when does my love come and save me? or ha it happened already? for now I trust, because behind me, all it is some some lame life with no real purpose, not that I even want a purpose, what I want is a real close relationship with YAH, if this is not YAH, I wish I was dead....

but I do say, this is yah. I am YAH. test me, test me and I will prove myself to you. I am always proving myself now. how many signs do you need? when will you stop thinking like the world?

but then i think, well not many chirstians even seem to have much of a clue about what the bible is saying.. they think God sent His son down as a sacrifice.... I am just getting out of that lie! what way should I turn? I am sick of turning, God just let me die or let me be with you!

i am here, I am here my dear. the world has nothing for you, it has nothing for anyone here without me. i'm here to help you. believe me, you know my great love for you. you know that i love you, listen not to the voices that suggest you are crazy. you know I will not allow you to be trapped again, that is what you want, and I give.

so lets see what happens and I pray no one gets harmed by this post... maybe other people have went through this or maybe someone wants to maybe one day relate to this with me. but I can see how many many people could really stumble really bad over this. but if I can't be honest then what do I have?

[stein]

when i hear you say yah, i relate that to myself..

but i manage

its quit a story you have. my reaction is that i think you are seeing things clearly. almost everything i guess.

as for voices i thinkany voice is ok as long as they dont speak evil or control you. you are the one who is in control keep it that way forever and never let them master you in a bad way. if you can ok.

a thousand years from now the bible will be personal for everyone who reads it.

for some it allready is.

meaning that you must applie everything to your own life...

dont listen to this or that, nort even from the bible, make up your own mind. you have it not for nothing.

can you imagine a father killing his only son. and rejoice over it???

its not nice but jesus was a human. so am i. so are you.
for sure i know jesus resembles even the 'human'. which is why people have fought about it in many places. before it was just jhwh and god and allah who you had to obay. the people who believe in jesus keep 'human' in a standard as high.

you can see this in the NT...

i myself am gonna cling to god and jesus for the other people, what must i of them? sure there is good people but lots of problems comen lurking around the corner fastly when you take an alternate stand. or have a different visualisition. its not like people are perfect, but there are some good 'ones' i guess.

can you tell me about this covering you speak of?

i pray for you, and forgive me if i dont reply. but if we both pray every post i guess wel meet down the line.

x

[stein]

not even the bible is all perfect..

btw remember the live in which demons and such dont exist...........

[noxot]

the covering is the blindness that i can't see God. or like a shadow fragmentation of who I am in Him. that I am only me and not also with My Husband. or like... a fragment of who i am supposed to be and really am. a limitation of some sort, but also a part of the whole me. though for me it seems there is always a limit since god made me... until I see past that and see that god made me like he is. and i know that is true but it is hard to explain unexplainable things.. just that i partake of God always and as much as I can and God enables me and so i can.

just that.. all who do not believe in Father and believe in themselves over Father are fools and will have shame when the light comes. but we, the elect will help them and already are.. but I don't get all of what God is doing with me and others and this age... and I don't even get why i am blessed to seem closer to Him right now in this age, i just want to be closer to Him....

but anyways if you do not cling to god and jesus then your head is cut off and you are trapped. but you Love Father right? I mean, we already are all with father... just that for some reason we came back to this age to do something or feel something in a different way or to assume and assure my shadow that I in fact am loved greatly by God. also that all created beings are here.. as we are all in all because God is in us. but they also form part of who i am in God as we are all each unique. but still the complex ordering that God is doing is so hard to grasp..... i can speak words but they are just riddles and parables... compared to what the light will show.

Apr 8, 2012 11:52:36 GMT stein said:

not even the bible is all perfect..

btw remember the live in which demons and such dont exist...........

I guess it depends on what view you look at the bible with.

do you mean my own life before the demons and voices?
yeah. some of it. and I have memories of when I was younger and different friends and stuff...

or do you mean, something else before I was born from a human?

as far as I can tell "demons" always existed as they too partake of God.

or like.. before some demons were born in the earth in this age??? I dunno for sure because I don't know if they also existed before I brought some to the earth or if the first earthly spirits came when all the watchers came to the earth.. i dunno if they (watchers ) even came all at the same time... its really insane but I guess God will make things better soon.

everything is so complex and hard to understand... I mean all things created and ordered by God .... yeah sorry but just don't stumble, God makes you not stumble. God teaches you what you need to know. just don't get trapped up in what people say, you always look to God brother... I don't wanna hurt people... you know that we will all understand everything when the light comes. soon the light comes....